From reassurance to self-assurance

The next item to address is self-assurance. You see, this entire episode of anxiety was triggered by one thing: when the final rug of external reassurance was pulled out from under me. Since this entire chapter was preceded by that event and is clearly related to it, there is no question in my mind that it is one of the core issues at hand. My entire life, I turned to others for reassurance. Since I was not imbued with a healthy self-confidence, I always made it a habit to seek out the reassurances of others. I turned to friends, doctors, siblings, etc. to tell me that I’m doing a great job, that I’m a good person, and that I’m going to be okay. I lived with the illusion – or rather delusion – that I can rely on others to imbue me with the self-confidence that I needed. But that only worked to a point. As I matured, I began to see the cracks in my reassurers. I started to see their weaknesses, that they had vulnerabilities too. And in my image, as described earlier, I always believed that the person providing reassurance needs to be invincible which was why I suppressed my emotions since I felt I needed to in order to provide reassurance to others. I held those who provided me with reassurance to the same standard, needing to see them as invincible. So when I started to see that the doctor I went to for reassurance also got sick, the neurologist had a heart attack himself, my guidance counselor had a son who died a slow horrible death before age 5, and that my friend who was my source of reassurance was going through a painful and depressing health issue.

For some reason, this exposure of the humanity and vulnerability of the people I looked to for reassurance removed the facade that I had created of invincible heroes. To me, if they were vulnerable how could they reassure me?

So one of the new realizations that came with my maturity and growth was that all that is left is me. I can no longer rely on others to provide the reassurance I need, because at the end of the day, no one really can. Only I can reassure myself that I’m a good person and a good husband, father, sibling, son, employee, employer and friend. Because at the end of the day, I am with myself all day and only I can provide for myself what I always sought from others. I became addicted to running to doctors and others for a constant pat on the back. But those people can only handle so much; they don’t live with me, and they are not inside my head. Even my wife’s reassurance is limited by the amount of time and patience she has to provide while she manages a home and four children. And at the end of the day, she goes to sleep and I’m there lying in bed with my own thoughts.

And that leaves just me. Only I need to have the self-assurance, self-confidence and self-esteem that will be with me the entire day and night, since only I am with myself at all times. And only I am in my own head. And only I know myself best.

I was a reassurance addict. Like a person addicted to dopamine, I was addicted to reassurance. And as is the case with a dopamine addiction where the brain, sensing the steady supply of external dopamine stops producing it naturally. Then when the addict stops taking dopamine there is a period of withdrawal, where the person is no longer receiving external dopamine and the brain has not yet resumed natural dopamine production. That leaves a void, and that void is distressing because there is a temporary lack of the needed chemical. That is what leads addicts to resume their habit because the withdrawal is so painful. But if they would just hold out until the brain adapts to the lack of external infusions and kicks in with natural production, they would be alright. It is a matter of having the strength and willpower to hold out during the temporary withdrawal.

And that’s what happened with me. I was a reassurance addict, so I never learned to reassure myself and to have the confidence and self-esteem I needed. Then when the façade of external reassurance was broken and there were no longer any external infusions of reassurance, withdrawal set in because my own brain did not pick up the slack and start to provide me with the self-assurance I always needed. Like with addiction recovery, it is extremely important that I ride out this withdrawal period, all the while tapping into my own, endless supply of self-assurance and self-esteem.

Luckily, I have accomplished and achieved so much in my lifetime thus far and have so much love and support coming my way that I have the tools needed to tap into my own supply of self-esteem and ego. It is now a matter of doing the work of learning to self-soothe and self-assure, and not continue to seek external reassurance. I need to experience the void so that I can kick in with my own sense of self.

But I am imperfect. And I believed until now that heroes need to be invincible. And that’s where the changing of false belief systems comes in. Even heroes cry; heroes bleed; heroes are vulnerable; heroes are human; and heroes need their own heroes. And that’s okay, because nobody is perfect. But we are perfect for ourselves. I am learning to trust and believe in myself and to boost myself, to tell myself that I’ve got it, that I’m okay, that I’m going to be okay, that I’m talented, accomplished and self-sufficient. And I have what to show for it. But I need to believe it. I need to look at myself and tell myself that I am capable of knowing and taking care of myself. And most of all, I am capable of appreciating myself for who I am. My children may look up to me, my wife may love me, and my co-workers may appreciate me, but those external boosts are not lasting. It is only when I can look at myself and tell myself who I am and believe it, that I will be a satisfied individual who does not look to others for reassurance.

And I am well on my way. I stopped going to my employer; I pretty much stopped going to doctors; I use my wife as a support but not as a source of self-esteem. And I am working on facing myself and raising my own ego and self-esteem. And I’m getting there. Step one is recognizing the problem. Step two is stopping to depend on others for reassurance. Step three is where I come in and fill the void and provide myself with the self-belief that I need and that will be with me 24/7/365.

I’m a trooper, forging ahead, recognizing my false belief systems, discarding them, replacing them with true and healthy beliefs, and then tapping into myself – my emotions and my self-belief – to fill the void. And then I will be whole. And more whole than I ever was before. I have my whole life ahead of me and many more years to enjoy once the new me emerges!